Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
