You work out of a Hotel?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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