If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
