I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
