um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
