More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
