I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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