I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
