i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
