1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
