Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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