I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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