so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
how does that bad decision feel?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
