Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
