Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think my mom watched the whole time
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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