i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
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