and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
