life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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