I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
