some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
