I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
