Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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