so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
