I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
