Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
