life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My balls are so social today.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Randomize
