i just made my gag reflex go away.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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