I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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