Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
