having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
