Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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