I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
