I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
