I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
