Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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