No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
