the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
