stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
