Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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