Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
