ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
