it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
