I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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