My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
