i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I cut my penus on the lid.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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