I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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