What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
