my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
