mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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