Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
