Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
