So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
a search helicopter?!
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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