omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
