i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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