"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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