you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize