I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
