My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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