either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
